The biggest challenge of divorcing a narcissist is that by the time you realise who they truly are, you're often already in too deep. Narcissists are masters of disguise, drawing you in with false affection and empty promises before their real personality emerges. Self-centred and controlling, they manipulate situations to isolate their partner for personal gain.

The Oxford Dictionary describes a narcissist as a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. In other words, they believe that the world revolves around them. To a narcissist, everyone exists to serve their needs, and when they choose a partner, they’ll use deceit, domination, and manipulation to maintain control. While these behaviours may seem obvious to outsiders, for those trapped in the relationship, they’re often much harder to recognise.

Traits of a narcissist

A narcissist often exhibits a range of behaviours and traits that are both damaging and difficult to detect at first. These traits can include:

• Exaggerating their achievements: Narcissists tend to over inflate their accomplishments, making them seem far more significant than they were. This helps them create an illusion of superiority and importance.
• Reacting poorly to criticism: While they find it effortless to criticise others, narcissists are extremely sensitive when receiving criticism. Even mild feedback can trigger anger or defensiveness.
• Expecting special treatment: Narcissists often expect others to treat them as if they’re special or above the rules that apply to everyone else. This sense of entitlement leads them to demand preferential treatment in all aspects of life.
• Assuming others are envious of them: Narcissists frequently believe that people around them are envious of their successes or qualities, even when this isn’t the case. This distorted view reinforces their inflated sense of self-worth.
• Exploiting others for personal gain: They have no qualms about using people to serve their own interests, often seeing others as tools to be exploited to achieve their goals.
• Being highly critical of others, especially their partners: Narcissists are quick to point out the flaws in others, particularly in their romantic partners, whom they often belittle and demean to maintain a sense of control and superiority.
• Exhibiting jealousy and control in relationships: Narcissists are typically possessive and controlling, becoming jealous easily. They monitor and manipulate their partner’s behaviour to keep them in a submissive role.
• Leaving their partner feeling confused and guilty: One of the most harmful effects of a relationship with a narcissist is the emotional confusion they create. They are adept at making their partner feel guilty or responsible for issues that aren’t their fault, leading their partner to question their own judgement and self-worth.

These traits can leave a partner emotionally drained, constantly walking on eggshells to avoid conflict while simultaneously questioning their reality. The narcissist’s ability to manipulate and control is so subtle that by the time their partner realises what’s happening, the damage is often already done.

Does this sound familiar?

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is draining and exhausting but divorcing one can feel even more overwhelming. Narcissists hate losing control, and they’ll resort to every form of manipulation to wear you down. However, breaking free from the relationship is the only way to reclaim your life. Take a deep breath, stay focused on why you’re making this decision, and keep moving forward.

Tips for divorcing a narcissist

Before the divorce

1. Stay in the home unless safety is at risk.
   If you feel unsafe, whether for yourself or your children, then leaving may be the best option and safety must always come first. If your partner is exposing you or the children to family violence, then a Family Violence Intervention Order may provide you with protection. 
2. Take everything important with you when you leave.
   If you decide to leave, make sure to pack all essential items because there’s a strong chance your belongings may not be there if you try to return. Gather critical documents like passports, birth certificates, and other important paperwork. If you have children, ensure you pack their essentials too, especially any items that hold sentimental value. These personal objects can provide emotional support and ease the transition for your children.
3. Secure your finances.
   In many cases, narcissists control the finances in the relationship as a means of maintaining power. This financial control can make it difficult to leave. To prepare for the divorce, collect copies of all financial records and asset-related documents to protect yourself if things “disappear” later. The more evidence you have, the stronger your financial position will be when you part ways. Also, consider opening a bank account in your own name and quietly move as much money as possible into it, without your partner’s knowledge. If you do not have access to finances to fund your legal fees, you may be eligible for legal funding.

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After the divorce

1.  Apply for spousal and child support if needed.
   After the divorce, it’s important to apply for spousal and child support if you qualify. Check with Centrelink to see if you’re eligible for any assistance during this transitional period. Don’t expect your ex-partner to offer help voluntarily, so be proactive and make sure to secure the support you’re entitled to.
2. Update all your passwords.
   Change all your passwords immediately, including those for your bank accounts, internet services, iCloud, emails, and any other accounts. This will help safeguard your privacy and protect you from any potential interference.
3. Redirect your salary and secure your finances.
   Close any bank accounts or credit cards your ex-partner can access, including joint accounts. Redirect your salary and any incoming payments to a new account that only you have control over to ensure your financial security.
4. Update your will.
   Revise your will to make sure your ex-partner is not entitled to anything upon your death. This ensures your assets are protected and distributed according to your wishes.

Overwhelmed?

We understand. Speaking to a family lawyer will help you navigate through this emotional time.

At Eliza Legal, we assist clients around Melbourne, Bayside and the Mornington Peninsula and our compassionate team is ready to listen and offer the support you need. With our deep understanding of family violence, coercive control, and narcissistic behaviour, we’ll work with you to ensure your safety and help you move forward with confidence.

Guiding you to a better future

Eliza Legal is a leading family law firm based on the Mornington Peninsula, dedicated to providing tailored legal services with compassion and integrity. Contact us today and let’s see if we’re a good fit! We’d love to help you.

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